Ready, Reset!

I have taken the plunge and started a detox to reset my body and hopefully lose a few pounds.  The catch?  I am extremely irritable and hungry, not just a slight musing for food but a huge ravenous craving to eat!  This has severely impacted my mood and patience!  Today is day 3 of the reset and is testing every pore and molecule of my being.  I want food damn it!!  The woes of being fat!!  Not to mention that the hideous packets of "nutrients" that I have to pour down my throat several times a day taste terrible!  It is like trying to drink the sludge off the ocean floor, a mixture of salt, seaweed, algae and scum.  This does nothing to contribute to my mood and makes me yearn for something tasty all the more!  Even the recipes are barely palatable and though I want to eat my way through an entire bag of chips and box of donuts, I can barely swallow the contents of my plate in its entirety.  Day 3 today.  21 day reset.  18 days to go.  I. Can. Do. This.

Fitting In

I have always envied those who seem to know their place in life and easily flow across the scene of living, satisfied with their career and life choices as a whole.  How I wish I found it so easy to accept my own life and the path where my choices have led me.  Instead I am left feeling as though I am always on the outside, just barely out of reach of that golden opportunity.  I can sense it, I want it, I strive for it, yet I am always just on the cusp of attaining it.  My thoughts are in a constant battle, which is exhausting to carry out each day.  Many nights I stay awake, my thoughts and internal dialogue blocking sleep from coming to my eyes and settling my mind.  I think of all my aspirations and conspire about what next big "thing" I will try and achieve, yet I always stay in the same situation.  Always an outsider to myself and others.  Always yearning for something more, something to satiate my thirst for the big-time.  Not that I am interested in the Hollywood fame of actors or artists, I at least have the sense to crave for something more real, but what I seek is something to satisfy my deep need for fulfillment and acceptance.  To find where I really belong.

I am always looking at others and pondering how some have no desire to even move forward, they are happy to just be who they are and settle into jobs no matter how menial.  I often wish I could be one of them, to me it would be like settling for mediocrity (not that I think there is anything wrong with this, it just does not leave me fulfilled), however at my core I really feel this is the place I most belong.  When I am among my peers and professors at school I feel as if it is all a facade, as though I am intruding on the world of the have's when I am a have not.  No matter how hard I try or how hard I work this feeling never eases and I still always seem to be out of place where I should be most at home.  Where is my place?  I wish I knew and can only hope that someday I will find where I belong.

Forewarning

For those of you reading my blog who may be grammar dictators please overlook (ok, might be impossible) maybe just re-direct your attention from any errors you may come across in my writing.

I should have put a caution on my very first blog that whatever splashes on the page is how I leave it.  My writing is a raw expression of myself and my thoughts, feelings, experiences, and mainly lots of day to day details of my life and I don't spend time editing or proofing as I feel that this is one of the only places I can express myself on page in my own tone and completely free!  Most times I am writing to the APA standard and am forced to spend a painstaking amount of time reviewing, editing, re-writing, deleting, and chopping up my writing.  Therefore my blogs are a bit of a rebellion against my usual writing, which typically is for academic purposes.  Thank you in advance for ignoring any blatant or ridiculous errors in my use of grammar or words.  It is wonderfully refreshing to know that I can play with my writing however I fancy; sometimes APA can be utterly stifling!

That said, I would hope that even without proofing my spelling, grammar, and word use is accurate due to the many years in college I have spent writing!

Summer Days

I haven't succeeded so well in the commitments made in my previous post.  July/August have been busy months for me between shuttling kids to camp and beginning the rush of birthdays.  Traveling and cake do not bode well for diet and exercise (especially when the motel room doesn't even have a dvd player!).  Alas, my weight was not budging anyways even with 5 weeks of dieting and steady working out under my belt.  Next up I am off to Cali for school so I figure may as well wait to jump back on the band wagon after I return.  I know it will definitely be impossible to keep up my routine at school when they have sooo many good desserts and fresh coffee and cream every single morning (plus it is available allll day).  At least winter is fast approaching and I will be able to hide my pre-made winter storage from view more easily than what I am able to do now.

In other news, Kamihle went to camp with a couple of her friends.  It was a total disaster from my perspective as it was completely mismanaged and unorganized.  I had a bad (and very temperamental) feeling from the start which impressed upon me further as I made my way through the registration (once I was able to find it) and got her settled into her cabin (3 hours later and with a miscalculation of kids so Kami was without a bunk!).  I felt terrible leaving her there but prayed for the best and hoped that she would have fun, thinking that maybe the bungle made of the first day would subside once camp kicked into gear.  When I returned to pick her and her friends up I was heartbroken and disgusted.  Had I glimpsed the filth of the bathrooms before leaving, the girls would have turned right around and went back home with me.  It was horrifying.  In addition, things did not seem to improve during the remainder of the camp and Kamihle and her friends were thrilled to be going home, poor Kami said she cried for me every night.  It is one of those mom intuitions and gut feelings that occurred during the time Kami was gone and should have pushed me to going and picking her up that same night I left.  I awoke at 3am just feeling that something wasn't right but pushed it out of my head and tossed and turned for the remainder of the week.  Overall, it is great that Kamihle had the chance to experience camp but I certainly wish the conditions would have been better.

Some pictures of the girls shortly after we arrived at camp...the photo of Kamihle on her suitcase is after the long wait to be assigned her cabin and learning she had no bunk, she was so completely exhausted.

After picking the girls up from camp it was time to head to Eugene to take Trin to the Summer Enrichment Program at U of O.  I was more than a little hesitant, all things considered, after the hell Kamihle endured plus leaving Trin all the way across the state!  She was, of course, more than happy to be escaping the hullabulloo of home for a while and was very excited for her 2 week stay in the city.  She was able to learn from U of O instructors AND went to 2 dances, one a masquerade ball and one a regular dance.  I am not sure what she was more ecstatic about, the dances or the learning!  She had the time of her life and checked in with me daily so that I could make sure she was safe.  They kept her on a tight and packed schedule which I think she enjoyed immensely.  

Even Trin was a bit homesick by the time her 2 weeks was up and she was ready to come home to all the chaos that involves a family of 8.  However, plans got crossed and we ended up staying in Salem at her grandma's house longer than expected and the day after picking her up from SEP it was her 13th Birthday!!  Since her siblings couldn't all be there to celebrate we made a day of it and spent time shopping and getting her a makeover at the MAC counter.

After she got all glammed up she went for a ride on the bike with Jimmy and returned in time to see Joe and Jackson arrive to have cake and open some presents!

Now she is almost all grown up!!  The next day we began our adventure back home bright and early in the morning.  First stop was in Jantzen Beach to wait for Shaun to be dropped off.  While killing time we did some shopping at Target where we found Spiderman hanging out on one of the round cement balls!

He persuaded them all to try and climb the walls but nobody was able to get further than standing inside the hole in the wall!

Next we ventured through Ross but didn't end up buying much and when Shaun showed up we cramped back in the car and headed towards home.  As we approached Multnomah Falls we decided it would be a great idea to hike to the top.  So, out we all scrambled and up the side of the falls we marched!  (I am still paying for this escapade with sore muscles several days later!).  The quick jaunt made mush of all of us and we let our legs roam freely on the way back down to try and let them relax!

Once to the bottom we listened to a short presentation on Osprey and ordered mile high ice cream cones!  Then it was on to our next destination, The Dalles.  We stopped to have a little bite to eat, played at the park and met up with Christina and Bill at good ol'Freddy's.  Just as the sun was fading out across the horizon we pulled into our home square and tumbled into the house.  Hot and sticky from the humid climb at Multnomah Falls and feeling more exhausted than our muscles after the long walk to the top.  Sleep came quickly for all of us!

Up next, I am off to California for another great RC and some much needed motivation to finish my PhD!!