Fitting In

I have always envied those who seem to know their place in life and easily flow across the scene of living, satisfied with their career and life choices as a whole.  How I wish I found it so easy to accept my own life and the path where my choices have led me.  Instead I am left feeling as though I am always on the outside, just barely out of reach of that golden opportunity.  I can sense it, I want it, I strive for it, yet I am always just on the cusp of attaining it.  My thoughts are in a constant battle, which is exhausting to carry out each day.  Many nights I stay awake, my thoughts and internal dialogue blocking sleep from coming to my eyes and settling my mind.  I think of all my aspirations and conspire about what next big "thing" I will try and achieve, yet I always stay in the same situation.  Always an outsider to myself and others.  Always yearning for something more, something to satiate my thirst for the big-time.  Not that I am interested in the Hollywood fame of actors or artists, I at least have the sense to crave for something more real, but what I seek is something to satisfy my deep need for fulfillment and acceptance.  To find where I really belong.

I am always looking at others and pondering how some have no desire to even move forward, they are happy to just be who they are and settle into jobs no matter how menial.  I often wish I could be one of them, to me it would be like settling for mediocrity (not that I think there is anything wrong with this, it just does not leave me fulfilled), however at my core I really feel this is the place I most belong.  When I am among my peers and professors at school I feel as if it is all a facade, as though I am intruding on the world of the have's when I am a have not.  No matter how hard I try or how hard I work this feeling never eases and I still always seem to be out of place where I should be most at home.  Where is my place?  I wish I knew and can only hope that someday I will find where I belong.